I woke up this morning, grabbed my tablet hoping for an email from you
You were supposed to go out last night to two parties with family and friends.
I was stressed and worried about it.
I was afraid you would meet a girl or start to like the girl again that you were hanging with.
I was so afraid …
I felt a hole in my chest, a hole where my heart should be.
I felt my chest to see if I would feel a heartbeat.
There is was, slowly beating like it was weak .
My heart really was feeling the pain of loneliness and it wasn’t just all in my head.
I kept thinking to myself, “would he miss me if I don’t hit him up?”
I felt a need to message you, in case you were starting to forget me.
I felt like you would forget me if you didn’t hear from me. :-(
I didn’t treat you good enough for you to start to miss me.
There was nothing good to miss about me. :-(
You wouldn’t feel this hole that I feel, you would feel free.
Free from the accusation, verbal abuse and rejection I gave you.
I made you hate me and now what was I expecting…you to miss me ?
I would be lucky if you even remember my face.
But yet, I had some hope in my heart that you would miss me.
I wanted to message you so bad.
I don’t know how long I could go without messaging you.
I want to stay strong and give it time, still hoping you feel like something is missing …(me)
But you’re out having fun, being around girls and a girl you had a crush on before.
Why would I even pop up in your head.
And even if I do, it would be of a bad memory.
I really messed it up for myself.
I made it so you wouldn’t miss me. :-(
I cried today.
And I think I’ll cry everyday.
Just because you’re not mine anymore and the thought of another girl having you.
You are truly a blessing.
I hate myself more and more every minute you’re not mine.
If you never come back to me, I will just be living for my family because I would want to leave this planet.
I say if you never come back, I need to accept that there will be no if .
You’re not coming back :-(
And i still go to my inbox hoping to see your name.
Everything I do reminds me of you.
I played table tennis with dad today, and I remembered our first date we played pools and tale tennis drunk.
It was so much fun, you surprised me that night, our date.
Then I was working out, and I thought about how it would be great to be gym partners.
I went to the movies with dad tonight and I remembered our times at the movies.
Every second I think of you no matter what I’m doing.
Even when I’m asleep, I dream of you.
My mind and heart won’t let me forget you and that’s more painful.
Not that I’m trying to forget you but sometimes I wish I could just clear my mind.
But who am I kidding, I will never be at peace without you as mine.
My happiness, my success, my peace left with you.
- thoughts of you.