I fell weak …

I haven’t written in a while
I said I wasn’t going to message you but I did.
The two days I didn’t speak to you were the worst two days of my life.
I don’t know how I got through them.

I cried every moment I could.
Locked myself up in the bathroom, played sad songs and cried my eyes out.
I couldn’t sleep and when I did, I cried myself to sleep.
When i woke up, I thought about you and I cried remembering we didn’t talk anymore.

I woke up every morning feeling an emptiness in my chest.
It felt like there was a hole where my heart’s supposed to be.
It’s still there, but now we’re talking again.
And I can find myself again.

I felt lost and I kept questioning the purpose of life.
Losing you, I felt like I lost the purpose of living.
I lost you a long time ago but those two days, I felt like I was no longer living.
You truly completed me.

I felt a heavy weight lifted off of me when I started to talk to you again.
Life felt right again.
I don’t know how to explain it but knowing how you were, I felt happy.
But yet I still felt a sense of emptiness…because you still weren’t mine.

…I will forever feel something is missing without you.
I wish that could change.

I pray everyday for you again.

- weak in the knees for you

3rd day cont’d …

Well I broke !
I emailed you at 5:30 pm today

I said “hi”

You’re talking to me normal.
You don’t seem to be affected at all with the absense of me all weekend.
You didn’t even miss me.
It’s like you didn’t even notice that I was gone :-(

But I am happy about one thing.
You didn’t go to the show nor the party with your friends including that girl .
You ended up going home.

But you still didn’t miss me.
I didn’t try hard enough.
But I just can’t stop talking to you.

I feel like my whole world is turned upside down if I don’t.
You are really it for me.
I’m always seeing these happy couples and I wish that could be us.

I can’t go back to ignoring you again but I will try to keep my cool and just act as friends.


My Letters to You …

I woke up this morning wondering what was the purpose of life.
I had a dream, of you of course.
We were at the office, you got a phonecall from a girl.
It was a business call but you told the person you couldn’t make it to the meeting.
I didn’t understand because you weren’t busy, so I asked you why you said that.

You told me you wanted to spend time with me. The rest of the day.
It was early afternoon at the time.
I was surprised but thrilled at the same time.
I was trying to figure out why, then I remembered what day it was.

It was your birthday.

I was so shocked I forgot, I apologized to you over and over.
Then I ran out onto Liberty to get you something.
I kept looking and looking.
Then I woke up .

It was a weird dream.
But somehow it gave me hope.
Which isn’t a good thing because it can be false hope.

I feel so lost without you.
I’m wondering what you’re doing every minute.
I’m wondering if you’re even thinking of me, missing me… hmmm

I want to email you but I’m trying not to break.
I’m trying to stay strong, give it time.


#3rd day .

- you let go because you were hurting too much
- you gave up because love wasn&#8217;t enough.
- you&#8217;re trying to move on because things weren&#8217;t like before. 
I can&#8217;t let go because I still have hope. 
I can&#8217;t give up because I have faith in us.
I won&#8217;t move on because I will always love only you. 
The someone that will love you even more is Me. The new Me. 
- a changed person

- you let go because you were hurting too much
- you gave up because love wasn’t enough.
- you’re trying to move on because things weren’t like before.

I can’t let go because I still have hope.
I can’t give up because I have faith in us.
I won’t move on because I will always love only you.

The someone that will love you even more is Me. The new Me.

- a changed person

2nd day …

I woke up this morning, grabbed my tablet hoping for an email from you
You were supposed to go out last night to two parties with family and friends.
I was stressed and worried about it.
I was afraid you would meet a girl or start to like the girl again that you were hanging with.

I was so afraid …

I felt a hole in my chest, a hole where my heart should be.
I felt my chest to see if I would feel a heartbeat.
There is was, slowly beating like it was weak .
My heart really was feeling the pain of loneliness and it wasn’t just all in my head.

I kept thinking to myself, “would he miss me if I don’t hit him up?”
I felt a need to message you, in case you were starting to forget me.
I felt like you would forget me if you didn’t hear from me. :-(
I didn’t treat you good enough for you to start to miss me.

There was nothing good to miss about me. :-(
You wouldn’t feel this hole that I feel, you would feel free.
Free from the accusation, verbal abuse and rejection I gave you.
I made you hate me and now what was I expecting…you to miss me ?

I would be lucky if you even remember my face.
But yet, I had some hope in my heart that you would miss me.
I wanted to message you so bad.

I don’t know how long I could go without messaging you.
I want to stay strong and give it time, still hoping you feel like something is missing …(me)
But you’re out having fun, being around girls and a girl you had a crush on before.
Why would I even pop up in your head.
And even if I do, it would be of a bad memory.

I really messed it up for myself.
I made it so you wouldn’t miss me. :-(

I cried today.
And I think I’ll cry everyday.
Just because you’re not mine anymore and the thought of another girl having you.
You are truly a blessing.

I hate myself more and more every minute you’re not mine.
If you never come back to me, I will just be living for my family because I would want to leave this planet.
I say if you never come back, I need to accept that there will be no if .
You’re not coming back :-(

And i still go to my inbox hoping to see your name.

Everything I do reminds me of you.
I played table tennis with dad today, and I remembered our first date we played pools and tale tennis drunk.
It was so much fun, you surprised me that night, our date.
Then I was working out, and I thought about how it would be great to be gym partners.
I went to the movies with dad tonight and I remembered our times at the movies.

Every second I think of you no matter what I’m doing.
Even when I’m asleep, I dream of you.
My mind and heart won’t let me forget you and that’s more painful.
Not that I’m trying to forget you but sometimes I wish I could just clear my mind.

But who am I kidding, I will never be at peace without you as mine.
My happiness, my success, my peace left with you.

- thoughts of you.


I woke up that morning feeling lost…

It felt like something was wrong.
I asked myself “is that it?” 

I couldn’t believe that you could just be happy without me because my happiness lies within you.
I had to go to the airport to see my sister off, i left a sense of loneliness again.
She was the only thing keeping me happy.
In this time of misery I had nothing else to smile about.

Even though in my mind I knew you didn’t want me anymore, my heart refused to accept it.
My heart somehow connected with your heart and felt like one being.
It knew the love you had for me and it too felt that feeling.
My heart has so much love, it felt like this type of love can overcome anything.

I had let you go, to do whatever you wanted.
I was tired of being rejected everyday.
I couldn’t take the pain anymore, my heart could but my mind couldn’t.
My mind was saying “let go” but my heart was saying “hold on”.

But I felt myself slowly going insane.
My mind was trying so hard to think positive and show you kindness.
But I couldn’t pretend to be okay anymore.

You told me you would be happy without me.
That’s the last thing I wanted to hear.
Actually no, the last thing would be is that you fell in love with another girl and you’re marrying her.
I think my heart would just stop at that moment.

Remember in your poem you said I was your beat from the start.
Well you became my heartbeat and without you, its slowing down.
Soon I think it will stop beating forever.

All day I kept checking my email hoping to see your name in the inbox.
After I wrote you a long goodbye email including what I loved about you…
All you said was “Thank you for understanding and accepting what I want…now I will be happy and so will you promise …”
My heart stop beating for a second.

I couldnt believe it.
That’s all you said.
I couldn’t believe this is where we were.
This is where we ended…

1 year ago we started this Love Affair and now…

ON SEPT 21ST …it had ended .

- no name